And Baby Makes Three?
by Ladii-Chocolate
Summary: [SasuHina] These two have to deal with silly revenge plots, lovesick brothers, annoying Hokage wannabes, a so called pleasant surprise, and the rest of married life. Preggie Hinata!
1. Hinata’s Problem

**Author's Note: **I swear you're going to be wondering what the hell this author is on once you read this fic. I get my cracky ideas from the best of the best: juliagulia1017! I think we feed off of each other when we IM or talk to each other!

Please note that this is not a get together fic, since they're already together. Heh, I wanted to be a little different this time around. Think of it as the sequel for all your SasuHina stories (or most of 'em)! And aren't OOC Sasuke and Hinata always funny?

**Summary:** (SasuHina) Sasuke and Hinata have to deal with silly revenge plots, lovesick brothers, annoying Hokage-wannabes, a so-called pleasant surprise, and the rest of married life. Preggie Hinata!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto. Really, it'll be a sad day for most of you when I do.

**Dedication:** This fic is my gift fic to the person who makes me happy to be me, and at the same time, totally acts like the Mother Hen because I never make up my Chemistry exams! I love you, Jules! You and your weirdo smiley! T3T To this day, I still don't know how that resembles a smooch…

**Inspiration:** Jules' story_ Irony of Love_. Not saying that Sakura belongs with Pakkun, but she certainly opened my eyes to the way a Sasuke/Hinata relationship _should_ be! I also listened to the songs _So Crazy_ and _I Love You_ by Amuro Namie (Japanese music), _Temptation_ by P-Square (Naija music is love!), and _Miss You_ by M-Flo loves melody. and Yamamoto Ryohei (another Japanese song; I like to think of melody. as Hinata and Ryohei as Sasuke, heh). I'd also say _Cleopatra_ and _Anyclub_ by Lee Hyori (Korean music is yummy!), but I don't want Jules to bore me to death with her tirade about skanks, hos, and sluts. T3T (smooch? XD)

Um, my beta-reader hasn't shown her lovely face for a while. So I might come back with a completely edited version of this later.

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_**And Baby Makes Three?**_

**_Chapter 1:_** Hinata's Problem

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It was a sad day in time when the **former** Hyuuga Hinata was frightened about something as trivial as a missed visit from Aunt Flo. The **former** heiress (well, we'll get to that in a bit, readers) happened to be very meticulous about her menstruation cycle, and needless to say, the lack of her period on every first week of the month caused her to be very afraid indeed. It was now the _second_ week of the _second_ month in which she'd missed the curse of Eve, and Hinata was downright **petrified**! 

She didn't know where the source of this absence came from. Was she stressed about something? No…she couldn't possibly be. Ever since she'd been properly disowned by her father (and damn, Hiashi, having waited for this opportune moment for AGES, knew what he was doing in that department), there was no reason for her to feel needlessly worried and tense about training sessions with her tempestuous younger sister.

So, what was it?

It was still around midnight, and the sun had yet to poke its beautiful face through her new establishment. She'd been resting on the bed with her new husband (who was still sound asleep) when she knew she had to check herself out or PERISH from her definite anxiety. Attempting to rise up from where she was laying soon proved to be futile. Her love presently had his arm draped over her slender form so protectively it was painful.

When tickling him playfully didn't work, she tried whispering endearing terms in his ear. "Sweetie, I need to use the bathroom…"

He didn't budge. She could see the faint appearance of a one-sided smirk making its way onto his face (from what she could tell, he was either wide awake and trying to make a fool of her, or simply having a pleasant dream), so she tried to give off a semblance of irritation. "I really have to go, honey…"

No response. Hinata was getting desperate. "**SASUKE**!"

Said Uchiha woke up at the sound of her beseeching cry, cracking open his charcoal orbs to eye her worriedly. The blue-haired kunoichi usually wasn't _this_ noisy in bed (um, this is what they **want** us to believe); had a nightmare prompted her to scream aloud like that? His arm still acting as an impediment to her progression out of the bed, he made his point come across as effectively as he could to her. "Wha…? Hinata," he mumbled incoherently, blearily trying to find the right words. He tried again. "Hinata…"

_Uh, sure, Sasuke. That sure was _**effective**_. You didn't know this, readers, but Sasuke's Achilles heel is his inability to wake up properly. It's always a struggle for him to wake up in the morning for training sessions…if it weren't for him being the epitome of perfection, he'd be even later than Kakashi!_

…_Ahem. Back to the story._

Hinata noted that throughout his trouble with properly addressing her, his arm was still clamped down around her waist. This over-protectiveness usually flattered her and made her feel 'good' inside, yes; but now…it was getting a bit irritating, especially when she was fully conscious in just why he was doing it.

Won't anyone care to fill us in on just why Sasuke was so defensive of his creamy-eyed love?

Deep down, the Uchiha was scared that if he let go of his new wife for even a second, she might end up in the arms of that damned Naruto. From his _limited_ point of view, the blond shinobi always got everything he'd ever wanted – the lack of idolization and fan clubs from the entire fucking female population of Konoha, the luckiness to have a friggin' chakra reserve in his body (in Sasuke and Hinata's world, that bastard Orochimaru did not give Sasuke a deadly hickey), and even his Hinata's adulation and affection (at first)! Although Hinata promised him that she would keep her fidelity until the end, he could never be completely certain. For all he knew, he might wake up in a totally crazy AU world to see Hinata stuck in **Naruto's** grasp! Even worse, Sakura might be stuck in **his** grasp for eternity!

_That's right, readers. Sasuke was aware of all those NaruHina/SasuSaku stories on certain websites! (Insert Hayate's coughing for a cheesy attempt at special effects) And in this fic, NaruHina and SasuSaku are _**so**_ considered AU._

But let's rewind. Just how did Hinata end up in Sasuke's unyielding grasp, anyway?

Because they were married, of course! Silly you.

Well, contrary to most fics, Sasuke and Hinata were _not_ forced to have an arranged marriage. Instead, they fell in love on their own volition. To find the way in which they did fall in love, just search amongst the thousands of well-written SasuHina stories, and we're sure you can find a perfectly valid explanation. However, we're also certain that most of you are lazy but lovable asses like Nara Shikamaru, so we'll be kind enough to provide you with a condensed version of Sasuke and Hinata's _amour_.

Will the real way in which Sasuke and Hinata fell in love please stand up? (We apologize for the tacky implication to the Slim Shady question.)

…So, why had **Sasuke** fallen for **Hinata**?

- Being around Sakura for long periods of time made him seriously ill. (Ever realized the true reason behind why he kept throwing up so much in the Forest of Death segment of the Chuunin Exams?)

- He wanted to prove to everyone that he was STRAIGHT and not a boy-whore.

- Hinata was just too damn cute to waste on the likes of Naruto!

- He despised Sakura's stalking techniques.

- Hinata was the only girl who HADN'T swarmed him with love poems and interpretative dances whenever he went around the village.

- Hinata was too sweet to deserve that dobe Naruto!

- Although she didn't give him his first kiss, Hinata had given him his first hickey (ha, take **THAT**, Orochimaru!).

- Hinata was the only one who _somewhat_ understood his animalistic urge to kill his brother. (Um, even _she_ was a bit slow on everything, he noted, but he didn't understand why they were all so stupid! Forgive and forget? His wife was still too soft (which was how he liked her…)!)

- Did we mention that he just couldn't stomach Sakura? (Oh, yeah. We did.)

And why had **Hinata** fallen for **Sasuke**?

- She noticed that Naruto sure as hell wasn't gonna start looking her way anytime soon.

- Sasuke had opened her eyes to simple logic: since it was overly obvious that her father was going to disown her, it was better to end up with someone who bore an esteemed surname than with the town fool. (Although she had scolded Sasuke for this later on.)

- Not only was Sasuke hot, he was the only boy who had noticed her in a positive way (besides her teammates).

- Sasuke was the only other person with a doujutsu who actually LIKED her. (Damn Hyuuga clan.)

- Sasuke was a non-teammate who was quiet. Like her!

- He hardened her while she softened him. (No, we're not saying that Sasuke and Hinata switched genders. Think of Sasuke as the bread to Hinata's butter!)

Aw, so sweet. Anyway, upon asking for her father's blessing (which he did rather quickly, if you ask us), Sasuke soon had a slight difference of opinion with his bride-to-be. She desired a traditional-style wedding with all their friends present, whereas he just wanted to elope to his bedroom with no one present but the two of them. But Hinata had pleaded and pouted cutely, ending the disagreement as quickly as it had started. (We told you she was too damn cute!)

They had the wedding Hinata had always dreamed of, and even Sasuke had thoroughly enjoyed himself. Hey, it was worth it to see Naruto stare at his gorgeous bride in dumb shock and Sakura collapse into a comatose state when she saw them kiss for the third time (something about the number three always does a person in if they live in Konoha…you'll know more later!). Even though she had fainted on their wedding cake, at least she'd destroyed it after they'd gotten a piece and a half to everyone at the celebration…

There you have it: the **real** way Sasuke and Hinata got together! It leads us right back to the story we so rudely left!

While we were going on and on about them getting together, Sasuke and Hinata were, at present, detaching temporarily so the latter could finally 'relieve' herself in the bathroom. It was the first time wherein the former Hyuuga was actually _thankful_ to be away from her Sasuke…she just didn't want to see him go into some kind of withdrawal if she didn't reappear in time.

Now in the safety of their bathroom, she switched on the light and was temporarily blinded by the stunning glare. Once she'd blinked several times to become accustomed to the change in lighting differences, she was, suffice to say, a bit unnerved to see her complexion in the mirror. A pallid, gray face had replaced the bright, flushing one she usually donned. Stunned, she clasped both of her hands to her face. How could she look so…exhausted? Tugging at her slightly chubby cheeks in apprehension, she mentally struggled on remembering what had happened within the past few weeks (or months).

She could only recall one occurrence. And although it had been rather satisfying back when it had happened, she was now regretting it. Shoving the bathroom door open, she glared at the pitiful sight of her husband absently clutching her pillow in her stead, safely asleep again. If anything, she now hated him almost as much as everyone used to hate Naruto.

Damn him and his sexy ass! Damn him and those sexy role-playing ideas! Damn him for ordering that sexy catalog from the internet! Damn him for picking the sexy police outfit (with the accompanying prisoner outfit for him, might we add – Sasuke sometimes liked Hinata to be the seme)! Damn him for ordering the sexy matching handcuffs! Damn him for being just so sexy in general!

Why was Hinata cursing her sexy husband and his, well, sexiness?

A few months ago, somewhere in the middle of Sasuke's French fry going into Hinata's onion ring (repeatedly, might we add, and the author apologizes now for the corny insinuations to sex, but c'mon! Food sounds more appealing than Sasuke's pen going into Hinata's pen cap…should we have said Sasuke's hot dog going into Hinata's hot dog bun, instead?), he released his…yeah, into her…and you know what happened next. At least, this was what the kunoichi was beginning to suspect. And when was Uchiha Hinata wrong? (C'mon, look at who she picked for a husband! Was she wrong in that?)

She continued to curse him. If only Sasuke had used the damn condom set Temari had given her as a wedding gift (we have reason to question why Temari knew Hinata would need it, but more on that later)! But _no_, he just **had** to be Mr. Frickin' Suave!

…Not that she'd been complaining when it'd all happened, of course…

She swallowed deeply and exited the bathroom, heading back to the bedroom to tell her husband her discoveries and fears.

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**Ending Note:** There goes the first chapter! I hope you all know that I'm so serious about this fic that I actually went and did some extensive research on pregnancy! I swear it! Of course, it's easy since I'm in a Child Care class in school. So get ready for some body humor in later chapters! 

Um, let's see. We have a SasuHina pairing already, which _might_ escalate into a SasuHinaIta triangle later on. What other pairings would you all like to see? Please, I'm trying to get away from the canon pairings I once loved (although NaruHina and SasuSaku _never_ had a place in my heart, and _never_ will). Give me crack pairings to consider! And review!

**Ladii-Chocolate**


	2. Sasuke’s Solution

**Author's Note:** Thanks for the lovely reviews and pairing ideas. I can put almost all of the requested pairings in here because I'm cracked up like that (nothing serious, of course). Apropos, the SasuHinaIta will be messed up. Don't take it to heart.

**Disclaimer:** Little Bunny Fufu was hopping through the forest…and she doesn't own Naruto.

**Inspiration:** _D.D.D._ by Koda Kumi featuring SOULHEAD and _Sprung_ by Mariah Carey.

* * *

_**And Baby Makes Three?**_

**_Chapter 2: _**Sasuke's Solution

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"…and then I-I realized that I'd missed my, _you know_, two times in a row, and then I s-saw that my face looked a b-bit too pale, and it even looks _fat_, on top of that…" 

A confused Sasuke sat upright on the bed while his wife spilled her newfound information to him. Having been only half-awake, he could catch but a few fragments of her complaints, but the one thing that had stuck to him effectively was the return of her stutter. Like most SasuHina fics, Hinata had lost said stammering problem after Sasuke helped her gain more confidence in herself. In fact, this speech impediment was never supposed to grace her tongue again after she married him…needless to say; the Uchiha had become very unsettled on top of his misunderstanding.

"…a-and I'm just so scared… Oh, S-Sasuke!" Poor Hinata was ready to cry!

The pooled tears that were threatening to spill down from her widened milky eyes caused Sasuke great concern. Thinking fast (have we forgotten that he, like her cousin Hyuuga Neji, was a genius, too?), he had her in his comforting embrace in an instant, trying his hardest to pacify her. And was it just him, or had she gained a couple of pounds within the last time he'd held her like this?

Maybe Hinata had been right. He _was_ experiencing withdrawal. "Hinata, calm down. There's got to be a logical explanation for all of this."

Blinking back her tears and snuggling into his warmth at the same time, the new Uchiha couldn't help but stare up at him in slight resentment. **'Of course there's a logical explanation, you moron,'** she thought to herself. **'You did more than pop my cherry that night…'** A split second later, however, she was covering her mouth in alarm, taken aback by her own thoughts. Oh, God, thank goodness they hadn't formed themselves into actual words! "W-What do you mean?"

He mulled over the little he'd caught from her incessant rambling earlier. Gosh, if there was ever a time where he desperately didn't want her to be so _Sakura_-like! Especially when it wouldn't even be daybreak for another few hours…it gave him rather frightening thoughts. He took a deep breath and did his best. "Okay. You said you realized that your menstruation cycle's gone way out of whack, and your face is too pale…" he mused, gazing down at her with a contemplative expression etched on his usually cold features. "Come here."

She did as he requested, moving her face closer to him…only to realize that he'd taken the opportunity to playfully pinch at her cheeks. "_Eh_? Sasuke, stop!" She reddened significantly and shoved him away from her gently. "I'm serious!"

A triumphant smirk promptly appeared on his somnolent face. "There," he told her arrogantly, stifling a small yawn, "that took care of the last two problems. You're blushing again…and your face isn't fat. As for the other problem…" He eyed her carefully while simultaneously scratching his chin. "You're just stressed. I'm sure you had your period last month…it's the only sensible explanation for you being so _strange_ that one time. You've forgotten that Sakura and that retard are coming over today. You wanted to make a good first impression as my wife, remember?"

Her eyes lit up upon hearing his reassuring justification for her strange body changes. Her husband was, like, _so_ smart! She leaned over to excitably peck him on the cheek. "Of course! That's got to be the only reason!"

_Yes, readers! That was it! That was the reason why Hinata was feeling, well, not Hinata! She was just feeling apprehensive because her first crush and her husband's number one admirer were paying them a visit today!_

…_Don't be stupid. That totally defeats the purpose of the title, no?_

Sasuke was still going on with his own tirade while his wife inwardly rejoiced, however. "If you must know – and I'm sure you already do," he drawled pointlessly, trying to settle back to sleep again, "I'd rather _not_ have Sakura and that dobe over…in fact, I'd rather never see them again, but that's not likely, is it?" He never wanted **Naruto** to see Hinata again (if he could help it), but he didn't ever want his wife to know how he felt.

Hinata beamed and rested her head on the soft, downy pillow she called her own, completely oblivious to his actual thoughts. "Of course not, silly," she murmured sleepily. "I guess you're right, though. Maybe I _am_ a bit nervous about Naruto and Sakura coming. Especially Sakura…I feel as if she hasn't quite gotten over you yet." Stifling a small yawn, she informed him that they would discuss more later on in the morning. She incoherently bade him a good night's sleep before slipping off into a well-deserved slumber.

Sasuke said nothing as his wife allowed her drowsiness to get the best of her. The apathetic yet oddly playful expression on his face had since dissipated to give way to a resentful glance at her snoozing figure. He wasn't an idiot. He'd been aware of her symptoms for quite some time now, and needless to say, he was beginning to grow anxious. If anything, **he** now hated **her** almost as much as everyone used to hate Naruto.

Yes, you guessed it, readers. It was now Sasuke's turn to play Curse-a-Spouse.

Damn her and her cute smile! Damn her and the cute way she'd blushed when he proposed those role-playing ideas to her! Damn her for cutely accepting the package of outfits from the strange mailman (you didn't know this, readers, but Sasuke held an interminable grudge against said persona)! Damn her for looking so cute as a cop! Damn her for being such a cute seme (the author, a proud uke, wonders if such a thing exists, actually)! Damn her for using the handcuffs in a cute manner! Damn her for being just too cute in general!

So, why was Sasuke cursing his cute wife and her, well, cuteness?

…Oh, no, we're not getting into _that_ again. The author is just as lazy as you all are!

In the midst of his private tirade, he turned over to face his nightstand, where he silently opened the first drawer. Sitting neatly atop of the kunai knives he owned was the small, seemingly innocent box Temari had given him... He frowned darkly and removed it from its place, staring at it critically before chucking it into the nearest dustbin. If Hinata was, you know, then the condom set was practically worthless (at least for about three-fourths of the next year). And Uchiha Sasuke was _never_ wrong about this sort of thing.

'**Think, Uchiha, think!'** he mentally begged himself, rubbing at his aching temples with two shaking fingers. This was _so_ unfair! They'd only done the dirty-dirty once; why did she have to be so friggin' fertile? He exhaled softly and attempted to calm himself. Ironically, he was now the one who needed subduing, especially since Hinata was presently slumbering. **'Shit. This is not good…not good at _all_.'**

He arrived at a decision soon enough. The best thing to do (for now, at least) was to stop making pointless assumptions, no matter how true they could turn out to be in the near future. Yes, Hinata had gained a few measly pounds; so what? She was beginning to fall asleep at four o' clock in the afternoon; big deal!

…Shit. Deliberating over it seemed to make everything much worse. He laid his head on his pillow and made up his mind to visit the Hokage when he had a day devoid of missions. For now, however, he needed to get to sleep. He was due for an A-ranked mission the minute Sakura and Naruto left his establishment, and as all geniuses know, sleep is essential for success. (See? Sasuke was a strong advocate for students having a good night's sleep rather than cramming for a major test. Conversely, however, he too was a culprit of spending the night awake, although it was for an entirely different reason…)

He didn't even get to catch twenty of the forty winks necessary to have a successful mission, unfortunately. Hinata was awake within sixteen minutes of their conversation, and was now squirming uncomfortably within his defensive embrace. A sharp pain had struck her lower abdomen about five minutes ago, and she wanted to relieve it as soon as she possibly could. "Sasuke, I have to get off the bed again."

He didn't budge. "C'mon, Hinata," he finally told her, staring up at the wall rather than making eye contact with her, "Stop acting like this. You don't have to keep checking your appearance every half an hour. You're not fat."

The temporary hurt in her voice was replaced by a stern tone. She faced him and narrowed her eyes in a menacing fashion, almost daring him to say something else. "Sasuke, you're going to be very sorry if you don't let go of me."

Ostensibly, both parties were becoming irritated at each other. "And why is that, dearest _wife_?" Sasuke sneered meanly, temporarily forgetting that if she was, well, you know, she'd be very sensitive to petty little things such as arguments.

Hinata scowled darkly and only began to remove herself from his grasp in what could be perceived by her formerly cold husband as desperation. What a bastard! Her inner self cringed at the realization that she was becoming snappier by the minute, but she knew that he certainly deserved it. "You're being rude! Let go of me **NOW**! I don't want to have to clean this up if I can help it-"

Sasuke frowned as he felt the right leg of his pajamas become drenched with something warm one second before becoming increasingly cold in the next. And judging by both the pungent stench and the way Hinata had broken down into strained tears right after it had happened…

"What the hell- Oh, LORD! Hinata, we're getting you to Tsunade-sama right now!"

Just incase you're a bit slow on the intake, readers, Hinata had not only wet herself like a preschooler, but she had also urinated all over her _husband_! She immediately felt bad for not being able to control herself, but what could she say? She _had_ warned him. She continued to cry lightly as he shot up from his side of the bed and went over to her own side to help her up. Great! If he hadn't gotten a clue by now, he'd probably think that the Hyuuga family had never cared to potty-train her!

…Which was true, by the way. Those bastards hadn't taught her shit. Hinata was worse than Hanabi, Konohamaru, Udon, and Moegi bundled together in one huge, bratty diaper!

But even they had grown up. If anything, they were now _older_ brats, especially Hanabi. At seventeen, she was now powerful, pretty, and spoiled. Imagine the utmost ignominy poor Hinata would face if the Hyuuga clan knew her deepest, darkest secret!

Unluckily for them, however, Hinata did not have any sort of problem with wetting the **bed**. She just had a problem with wetting other **people** (including herself, and when we mean other people…you'll see soon enough). Back to the story, chaps!

All past grievances were immediately forgotten. Currently holding a sopping and distressed Hinata in his arms, Sasuke knew he had lost the ball game. He struggled to keep from biting his nails in anxiety as he kicked open the bedroom door to venture into the sitting room. Grabbing a coat from the nearest closet and draping it over his distraught spouse before leaving their compound, he struggled to keep calm. **'Relax,'** he repeated to himself. **'Nothing's wrong. Hinata did _not_ pee all over me!'**

…And we'll be the first to tell you that denial is _very_ unhealthy.

An unhappy Sasuke struggled to recall the last time his wife had been asymptomatic, but try as he might, he just couldn't remember anything before **The Sexy-and-Cute Incident**. All he could think of was how she was very fatigued as of late and how she _did_ look as if she were gaining a few more pounds by the month. And even now she was beginning to show signs of not being able to control her bladder…

Three strikes. They were _so_ out.

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**Ending Note:** Things that have happened to me since my last update on this site: one, I got married (to the most wonderful person in the world); and two (on a more serious note), my father died. My life hasn't been the same since he passed away. From now on, I will dedicate all of my works to him. Rest in peace, Daddy. 

Anyway, thanks for reading this **OOC** fic. I get tired of people saying that this is a surprising alternative from my usual style, since it really _isn't_. If you didn't know already, I wrote solely humor before I got into this fandom. We'll see how everyone else is doing next chapter, nonetheless. Please review!

**Ladii-Chocolate**


	3. Sakura's Problems

**Author's Note:** Thanks for reading and reviewing the second chapter! Unfortunately, there will be no SasuHina in this chapter. We need some so-called development for the other characters, too!

**Featured Pairings: **NaruSakuLee (if you blink, you'll miss it).

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto.

**Dedications: **Hee, I dedicate this chapter to the lovely members of the SasuHina FC over at the NarutoFan forums (M-Maiden, Kasumi, NocturneD85, and hmfan24). Without their lavish praise of the first two chapters (hee, what can I say? I don't work well without some encouraging comments), I probably wouldn't have been able to complete this chapter.

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_**And Baby Makes Three?**_

**_Chapter 3: _**Sakura's Problems

* * *

While Uchiha Sasuke was scurrying about in a hurried attempt to reach the Hokage regarding his wife's issues, the entire village and its inhabitants continued to snooze contentedly in their respective beds. As you can remember, it was relatively early in the morning when Uchiha Hinata had her little accident. No one could be expected to be awake at this time…if you don't count two certain Sakura-fanatics, that is.

…Or rather, two _used-to-be_ Sakura-fanatics. At twenty-two and twenty-three years of age, Uzumaki Naruto and Rock Lee had both gotten past their insane crushes over the pink-haired kunoichi (even though they still thought she was the most beautiful girl in existence and still sought to win her heart – in their _spare_ time). Instead, they'd fallen in love with a new passion: video games.

And why video games?

Simply because video games couldn't hurt your feelings repetitively, of course. They also were incapable of any sort of physical harm (unless you played them for too long and your eyes began to twitch uncontrollably) and couldn't turn down your flowers, proclamations of undying devotion and affections, and interpretive dances for them. The superb poetry Lee used to write for Sakura during long and sleepless nights were now safely discarded in the nearest dustbin. In their places was Naruto's surprisingly superlative prose about his favorite Mario games.

After all, no one could ever beat the Hokage-wannabe (er, gonnabe) at _Super Smash Brothers_. He currently held the second highest score in the whole village of Konoha (the number one spot was filled by an unknown individual, unfortunately), and it was certain that no one but the top player could surpass him.

So, who was this mysterious player?

…_Rather than spoil the story for you, readers, we'll simply head back into the chapter. We do that a lot, don't we?_

Anyway, this isn't to say that said boys despised Sakura now. That is _far_ from the case, dear readers. In fact, all three ninjas lived together in the small, cute apartment she'd rented for the time being. Naruto and Lee were a bit too concerned about Sakura's mental health to allow her to live by herself. Ever since she'd fainted on top of the cake at Sasuke and Hinata's after party, she'd lost the true meaning of youth (according to Lee, of course). The poor thing had reduced herself to moping and sulking underneath her blanket while simultaneously hugging a plush pillow close to her body. This, naturally, did not bode well with the way she often moaned loudly in her sleep about how Sasuke could have ever fallen for Hyuuga Hinata in the first place.

This gave the two main competitors for her affection an expected apprehension. How did their strong, darling Sakura get reduced to a sniveling, pathetic creature? How did they manage to allow her to get so miserable and desolate? Imagine what she could do to herself if they weren't present to watch over her…she could gorge herself with the most decadent chocolate in the world and blow up to a million pieces! She could _Kamehameha_ herself into the next dimension! She could suffocate herself by smothering her face with that soppy old pillow she clutched every single night!

…Okay. Naruto and Lee's imaginations tended to waver a bit, but they did agree on one thing: they would never let that dingy pillow of hers be the cause of her untimely death.

With that said, they put their newest plan into action.

Some might have said that Haruno Sakura was the luckiest girl in the world to be sandwiched between two of the nicest guys in the village every night, but she thought otherwise.

After all, she wanted _SasuSakuSasu_, damn it. Screw NaruSakuLee! Sakura's OT3 was a lot better than yours, dear readers! And even better, she felt it was _so_ worth the threesome wars it often evoked.

That's right. Sakura thought pairing wars were lame, for the most part. Threesome wars (no matter how rare they were in contrast to the former) were awesome, though.

Heading back to the story, however, said kunoichi had stumbled outside of her room upon coming under the realization that her two slices of loud and protective bread had left the bed and were situated in the living room a few hours after Sasuke had left his own compound. Wiping her eyes blearily and stifling a few yawns, she went into the bathroom, showered, and got herself dressed before meeting up with her two companions.

As usual, Naruto and Lee had their eyes glued to the television screen when she finally made her presence. "Good morning, Naruto and Lee," she greeted them in a polite manner. She silenced another yawn and leaned against the couch they were sitting on, glancing at each of them curiously. "How are you-"

"Take baby steps, Sakura-chan," Naruto instructed, tapping the buttons of his controller in a wild attempt to defeat Lee's character in _Tekken Six_.

"That's my girl!" chimed in Lee without a second's delay.

One green eye twitched violently. "I wasn't even _moving_, assholes."

"Good girl!" came the automatic response.

Lee winced as Naruto inadvertently crushed the 'X' button of his controller in his frenzied craze. God, this was only the _third_ one he'd broken in just a week! The dark-haired ninja shook his head and mourned the loss of this third gaming comrade for just a few moments, which ultimately marked his imminent downfall against the blond. "Hey! That wasn't just!" he protested. "I demand a rematch!"

"Nuh-uh!" Naruto had jumped up to his feet upon conquering his opponent. Tossing the broken controller behind him (it almost collided with poor Sakura's head); he proceeded to break into a victory dance. "I beat you fair and square, Lee!" Bending down to restart the console, he settled down again and grabbed a new controller from one of the boxes Sakura had given him for Christmas. "One more match and then we're through, okay?"

Sakura heaved an exasperated sigh, one that wasn't heard above the raucous shouts her roommates were currently uttering against the thunderous punching and kicking sounds inside the television screen. She sat herself next to Naruto and stared at the television miserably before directing her gaze elsewhere. Bright green emeralds soon rested on the calendar hanging right above Naruto's latest _Ode to Mario Party 9_. "You know," she started slowly, "today's the day when Tenten comes back from her mission. She could be here any moment now."

"…Who's Tenten?"

"…"

"Hey, Sakura-chan, stay away from that-"

An enraged kunoichi had yanked the plugs of the Nintendo Gamecube out of the television. Like a raging Hulk, she proceeded to chew the cord apart in her mouth as if it were her favorite cherry licorice. "WILL YOU TWO JUST **LISTEN** TO ME?" She snatched the remote control from an astonished Lee's grasp and put the television back on regular cable. "If you're going to use this TV, at least watch a _show_!"

Two pairs of eyes stared at Sakura anxiously before returning hesitantly towards the television screen. The poor thing was probably still going delusional about her loss of Sasuke…they took turns patting her back in mild sympathy before indulging in watching a childish cereal commercial.

An energetic, blue-haired girl promptly appeared on the screen before them, a wacky grin pasted on her facial features. Brandishing a red rectangular prism up in the air, she proceeded to run up to a familiar looking man with ambitious eyes and a lewd smile on his face to boot. "Ninjafy me, cap'n!" she chirped, deciding to pose into several suggestive stances.

Ever the suspicious one, Sakura made herself as comfortable as she could beside her blond companion before she made a comment. "Hey, Naruto…doesn't that look like…?"

The Kyuubi container was far too busy making a conscientious effort to connect the Gamecube's wires together again. Apparently Sakura had messed up far more than what had been her original intent. Naruto let out a soft sigh of regret and continued with his impossible task. "Sakura-chan, I don't think biting the wire was such a good idea…"

"Are you even listening to me? Doesn't that look like-"

Lee jumped back into the conversation, hoping to pacify her. "Yes, Sakura-san. That _does_ look like a lovely cereal to eat for breakfast. Would you like us to buy you some later?"

The blond shinobi placed the damaged wires down and looked up, nodding agreeably to Lee's offer. After all, the new version of Cap'n Crunch was a lot healthier than its predecessors. For one, it was chock full of vitamins and minerals that were necessary for a growing kunoichi. Second, it wasn't one hundred percent carbohydrates – something his Sakura hated to eat (unless she was about to start training, that is)…

He gleefully continued to watch the commercial in hopes that it would inform him where to purchase said cereal.

Wait a minute…

"ERO-SENNIN!"

BOOM!

Before we continue, yes, Jiraiya had finally hit the big time. Upon meeting a breathtaking, voluptuous movie star at a hotel a few months ago, he'd decided to try his luck in the acting business. It didn't take long, of course, for an old, indecent pervert (no one knew this, but Kollywood – Konoha's Hollywood equivalent – was in a rather short supply of said characters. Master Roshi had been specifically kept for the Dragonball Z fandom only) to secure a role in a local commercial.

…Too bad the executives seemed to see Jiraiya making passes at willing young girls adorable rather than repulsive, sickening, we-must-file-a-restraining-order-against-this-man-before-he-commits-statutory-rape worthy.

Anyway. Continuing.

Lee let out a shrill scream at the newly damaged television set that Sakura had just shattered with her superhuman strength. Pieces of glass were strewn every which way on the carpeted floor, and the brand new TV he had pocketed his last three missions' rewards for was currently smoking and smoldering. Sinking to his knees despondently, he scrambled to fit one broken shard of glass to another uneven one for a few seconds, before deciding that everything was hopeless.

Rising to his feet again, he wiped the tears that were threatening to spill from his eyes in a masculine fashion. As the man (well, _one_ of the men) of the house, he understood that material things could almost always be replaced (okay, maybe not the Toshiba 3000 LX 2!); lives, however, could not! Even more important than the TV's welfare, of course, was his poor Sakura's health!

"Sakura-san! Are you hurt? Are you in pain? Are you bleeding? Do you need me to call a medic-nin? Do you need me to call Tsunade-sama?! Do you-"

Naruto seemed worried about Sakura's wellbeing also, having been caught off guard by her explosive behavior. At the same time, however, he was furtively thankful that she had not expressed her destructive mood on _him_… "Sakura-chan, you really shouldn't have done that…" he offered to console her meekly, already preparing himself for the sure punch that would probably ensue, "You probably hurt yourself real good-"

"Lee. Naruto. I'm _fine_." For all that had happened within the last one and a half hours, Sakura didn't seem too 'fine', even _if_ she hadn't bruised her fist when it'd collided with the television screen. Those choppy sentences of hers didn't seem too promising, for one, and neither did the way that one pink eyebrow twitched compulsively above a bulging, green eye. Now, if she had a frothing mouth to accompany those symptoms, she'd have looked akin to a crazy, rabies-infested squirrel.

(This is also what happens when you either play video games 24-7 or watch people play for the same amount of time, by the way.)

Lee looked skeptical. Tempted to respond that she didn't look fine at all and ready to insist that she needed medical help immediately, he wisely chose to bite his tongue and refrain from any other comments, choosing instead to express his thoughts through his current actions. The way he pressed his index fingers together skittishly reminded Naruto eerily of a certain blue-haired Hyuuga, though…

Too bad Sakura had caught that familiar action, as well. And as she associated Lee's movements to their rightful owner, her eye continued to convulse until… Until…

Until she realized the _truth_.

This was _all_ **Hyuuga Hinata's** fault.

It was **Hinata's** fault that Sakura was born with such a large forehead! Never mind the fact that **Hinata** hadn't even been born when Mrs. Haruno first cradled her baby within her arms; it was still the heiress's fault regardless! It was **Hinata's** fault that everyone had teased her when she was younger; it was **Hinata's** fault that she'd developed that unhealthy rivalry with _Ino_ over Sasuke… It was **Hinata's** fault that losers (or so they seemed back then) like Naruto and Lee fell for her instead of Sasuke (never mind the fact that **Hinata** had actually had a crush on one of those 'losers' before she married Sasuke)… It was **Hinata's** fault that Sasuke didn't marry her… It was **Hinata's** fault for everything that had gone wrong or astray in Sakura's life!

Sakura began to see colors flashing before her suddenly dull, green eyes. Rather, she began to see **bold**, _italicized_, and underlined fonts. Each time the word **Hinata** flashed in her brain, the will to exact revenge on the girl who carried the name grew stronger. Yes, she'd get **Hinata** back for everything she'd done to her. Maybe if she needed any assistance, she'd enlist _Ino_ to help out… Wait. Bad idea. Once **Hinata** was out of the picture, _Ino_ might sabotage her plans to have Sasuke all to herself… (That blonde pig was sneaky like that…)

The young kunoichi cackled deviously to herself, sincerely unaware that the **bold**, _italicized_, and underlined fonts were not being seen by Naruto or Lee (who were growing more troubled by the second). She was also not aware that the fonts were being noticed by another audience – one that was currently reading about her actions on their computer screens (and probably getting annoyed at the authoress for ruining their eyes). All Haruno Sakura was aware of was the fact that **Hyuuga Hinata** _had_ to be dealt with, in whatever gruesome or scarring way possible.

Thus, Silly Revenge Plot #2 (have we forgotten who was behind the first SRP?) was created.

…Insert ominous 'Dun-dun-dun. What will happen next?' here.

* * *

**Ending Note:** Thanks for reading this chapter! Please review, and remember, just because I like SasuHina doesn't mean I despise Sakura. I rather like her, actually – she's one of my favorite characters. If you remember, I did say that this fic is sort of like a parody of most SasuHina fics. I am not bashing Sakura in any way!

Once again, keep being the awesome reviewers that you are and review! Next chapter will be another character-centric one (before we go back to Sasuke and Hinata, of course); feel free to request any character you want! (Just not Sakura, of course… Maybe Ino? Or Neji? Or the Sand Sibs? Or the Hanabi, Udon, Moegi, and Konohamaru quartet? Or maybe even the _Mysterious Number 1 Player of Super Smash Brothers_?) Any ideas for upcoming chapters are love, as well!

**Ladii-Chocolate**


	4. Ino's Solutions

**Author's Notes: **Jeez, I need to lay off the crack… Glad you all enjoyed the last chapter, though! I think I equally enjoyed reading your reviews; you all cracked me up! There seems to be a few people who want NejiIno to be included in this story – well, I'll see what I can do! I won't guarantee anything, of course… (smiles mysteriously)

**Featured Pairings: **TemaShikaIno, KibaIno, one-sided InoNeji, and SasuHina!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto.

**Dedications: **I dedicate this chapter to one of the most intelligent people I have ever had the pleasure of befriending. Lots of love goes out to the one and only Mizura (Heronite on LJ)! She's so amazing, and the amount of advice and wisdom she has shared with me over the time we've known each other is astounding. Thanks for being so awesome!

* * *

_**And Baby Makes Three?**_

**_Chapter 4: _**Ino's Solutions

* * *

In the two months that Uchiha Sasuke and Hyuuga Hinata had been married, Konoha had never appeared happier. The news of the sole survivor of the Uchiha clan (with the exception of the One-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-For-a-While) tying the knot with the heiress of the most noble Hyuuga clan seemed to put the humble village at peace. Despite the ways Sasuke had gone astray, and the ways in which Hinata had failed repeatedly at certain tasks, the village's inhabitants couldn't have been more elated at the prospect that the two members from very elite clans had gotten hitched. 

But of course, it was only an ideal world in which everyone could be content, and Konoha was _far_ from perfect.

In fact, one could say that a certain Yamanaka was one of the most miserable inhabitants of the village these days.

No, it wasn't because her beloved Sasuke-kun had gotten hitched to someone else. Unlike Sakura, Ino had accepted the fact that Sasuke loved Hinata a long time ago. Like any sensible girl would, she had moved on (especially after she'd caught the bouquet of assorted flowers at the wedding – of _course_ she'd be the next one to get married!).

No one told her that moving on would be increasingly tough, though.

Sasuke and Hinata's wedding had truly opened Ino's eyes to the way love should really be. Love wasn't a silly, one-sided thing that you fought ex-friends for, she learned. It was something so tender and beautiful and precious – something she wanted to feel for herself.

She too wanted to experience the joys of falling in love (as Hinata had), but found it rather difficult to find her 'special' one. As a victim to the woes of bad fanfiction writers shipping her with every single hot bishounen around (unbeknownst to her), she found herself being a lot more open to the guys around her.

Thus, Ino became even more boy-crazy that she'd ever been before.

It'd started subtle, at first – or as 'subtle' as it could have been. Shortly after Sasuke and Hinata's wedding, she found herself clinging (rather uncharacteristically, might we add) to Shikamaru's left arm. Never mind that she had never before in her life felt any sort of attraction toward him; in her eyes, love was love. If she was destined to be with _Shikamaru_, of all people, love would find a way to tell her!

Shikamaru wasn't too pleased about Ino's new attitude, but really, what _could_ he do? If she wasn't troublesome before, she was certainly problematic now. If she wasn't screaming at him to straighten up whenever they went out on 'dates' (said events usually consisted of Ino dragging her new 'boyfriend' out to numerous places – who cared if it wasn't exactly mutual?), she was trying to kiss him or do things that he had no intention of doing until he felt old enough to get married.

Poor Ino, though – she wanted to get settled down right away! She had no idea that love took time and that you simply couldn't force a person to fall in love with you.

She learned this the hard way, naturally. Soon enough, she wasn't the only one clinging to Shikamaru – a certain kunoichi from the Suna village was, too.

Temari had no idea what it was that attracted her to Shikamaru's right side, but she was growing increasingly annoyed at the way several townspeople (mostly of the male species) would stop in their tracks and watch the unusual trio walk down the road, hooting infuriating comments like "What a pimp!" or "Playa, playa!".

She wanted absolutely nothing to do with this lazy ass and his loud teammate, for Christ's sake! Forget that he was a bit of a cutie if she squinted her eyes a little – this was far too degrading for a proud kunoichi like her!

Fortunately, though, this shipping frenzy was to be a short-lived one. Ino found her arm mysteriously detached from her comrade's arm a few weeks after this strange trend had started. She made up her mind that Shikamaru just wasn't the one for her – and with that, she went for someone else.

…Inuzuka Kiba was no charming prince, truth be told, but he sure had gotten fucking _luscious_ these last few years.

This time, the 'love' appeared to be mutual – Kiba allowed her to kiss and cling to him whenever she wanted to, and she let him put his arm around her waist and tell her cute jokes whenever he felt like it. To Ino, it wasn't exactly love yet – it was more of an intense like for someone that was mutual, thank God, but not as strong as she wanted it to be. The day they began to date was one of the happiest days in Ino's life, but being the headstrong, arrogant girl she was, she refused to let her new boyfriend know that.

All was good for a while, but there was just one small problem.

Kiba had always been a jerk to her. He still _was_ one, too.

…Hmm. Maybe we should say Ino just wasn't the type to take some jokes lightly.

…Or maybe Kiba just wasn't that considerate. After all, making jokes about your girlfriend's virginity (or lack thereof) is certainly more than enough to get her infuriated with you. It was also enough to get you arrested, apparently.

Presently (as in a few hours after the initiation of Sakura's SRP), Kiba scowled. The two had been walking by the marketplace after a few hours of shopping (okay, so the blonde had been the only one picking items out – Kiba had been the one stuck with the purchasing and the carrying of said items), arguing at the top of their lungs as usual, when an officer approached them. It was fairly obvious that the man seemed to be making eyes at Ino (much to the dog-nin's dismay), which provided a justifiable explanation as to why he immediately began to berate Kiba – and Kiba alone – for causing a ruckus in a public area.

The Inuzuka wasn't too pleased. "Look, jerk. I don't like the way you're lookin' at my-"

The officer paid no mind to him. In attempt to be suave, he slung a burly arm over the slender kunoichi's shoulder and asked in a husky, Midwestern voice, "Is this man botherin' you, lil' lady? I've been noticin' the two of y'all arguin' for a while now. If he's harrasin' ya, I'll be sure to cart 'im off to the jail cell he belongs."

Ino considered her options and decided to let the cop to put his arm around her, thoroughly enjoying the way Kiba's cheeks flushed red with outrage. She certainly wasn't all too happy with her boyfriend right now, to tell the truth. The asshole had said it was obvious that she wasn't a virgin anymore, after all! And what was with the "You don't exactly _look_ like a virgin, heh" comment?! She didn't LOOK like a virgin?! What the HELL did she look like, then?! He'd better have not been thinking about any wh-words, that was for sure… "Actually, Officer," she started, smiling at the way Kiba hurriedly began to shake his head 'no' to the cop's question, "this man has been making me feel very unsafe. He's been making inappropriate comments about my body this entire time. I don't even _know_ him!"

"**WHAT?!**"

"I thought I told you to shut up!" The officer used his free hand to reveal the taser hidden inside his pocket. "Don't think I won't use this, mister-"

"Like HELL you will!" Kiba roared, dropping Ino's purchases and balling his hands into fists readily. Wait a second. "You never even TOLD me to shut up!"

"Well, I'm tellin' ya now! SHUT UP!"

Kiba disregarded his command and turned to his only hope, having been forced to resort to groveling and begging for forgiveness and compassion. "C'mon, Ino, I was only kiddin' witcha-"

She pretended to sniff in despondence, resting her head against the man's chest and fighting off the urge to wrinkle her nose in repulsion. _Phew_, did he smell… "I'm sorry, Kiba, but I think you need to learn your lesson. We're through. Take him away, Officer."

"I rightly will, ma'am," he replied at the dismissing (he carefully decided not to pay attention to the fact that she'd somehow known the name of the guy she claimed she didn't even know), detaching himself from her in order to take his handcuffs out from his other pocket. He stepped behind a distraught Kiba and grabbed his hands, handcuffing him quickly and effectively. "Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law, yada, yada, yada, you know the rest," he muttered, happy to have caught a wrongdoer for the day (no one knows this, but a police's job can get very boring when you can't abuse your powers at least once a day). "Now git!"

"'Git' where?!"

"Git goin'!"

Kiba glared at the person from whom the feminine voice had come from, not exactly appreciating the way she waved and blew several kisses at him in triumph. He was led away, murmuring various obscenities under his breath as he went. Fuckin' Ino, always trying to act cute when she didn't need to… He hadn't even dropped the wh-bomb (yet)! Fuckin' Hana, always advising him to let Akamaru stay at home whenever he went on dates with his volatile girlfriend (oh, yeah. That's right – _ex_-girlfriend. She'd just said that they were through – it was the third time in two days that they'd broken up!). His oldest pal might've been able to save him from this shitty situation… Fuckin' police brutality…

Ino grinned as the dog-nin and his captor disappeared amongst the throng of patrons. She'd bail him out later, but that was unimportant at the moment. Now that she was a free woman once more, it was time to do something liberating. Being single again didn't deter her happiness; it only made her more determined to find her true love! He was out there somewhere, and she would stop at nothing to find him! YOSH!

* * *

_That's right, readers! Ino had turned into a _lurve_sick version of Rock Lee!

* * *

_

Konoha's Tila Tequila (the authoress recommends that you Google search her when you have the chance – just make sure your parents and/or bosses aren't in clear view! NSFW!) was soon strutting down the streets of Konoha once again, head raised high, new purchases in grasp, and feeling more positive than she'd ever felt since Sasuke had gotten married to Hinata. Making a mental note in her head not to ever use a dorky phrase like 'YOSH!' again, she searched high and low (and above, behind, and under) for her one true love.

It didn't take long before that strange magnetism began again. Ino found herself clinging to the arm of her unique, her flawless, her incomparable, her absolutely-positively-supercalifragalisticespealidociously consummate…

…Hyuuga.

That's right. Ino believed that love, after all these years of messing around with her heart and emotions, had directed her to the strong, supportive arm of Hyuuga Neji. Never mind that he was actually here at the marketplace to look for some hair relaxer and quality shampoo; Ino was convinced that Neji was hers, and hers alone!

The Branch House occupant wasn't all too pleased to note the newest addition to his arm. In fact, he was beginning to wonder why exactly Ino was always so bent on irritating the hell out of him. Had Fate destined her to be an eternal menace to him and his peace? "Get off of me."

"You can't speak to your future wife like that, sweetie," replied Ino dotingly. Instead of heeding his wishes, she found herself leaning her head against his warm, inviting chest…

…Only to be pushed rudely away by an irked Neji. His opaque eyes narrowed menacingly, giving his 'future wife' the impression that he really wasn't in the mood for flirting. "Ino. I'm serious."

"Pfft; you think I'm not?"

"**Yes**."

Ino giggled. Her future husband could be so silly sometimes! It was evident that she'd forgotten all about Kiba as she continued to keep herself glued to Neji's lean, fit figure. "Darling, I'm as serious as you are. Now, I was thinking of names for our first child… I'm hoping it'll be a boy, so we could name him Nino… or maybe Inoji… or maybe _Ni_noji… But of course, the _conceiving_ part's the most fun, hee, hee…"

Neji only grew more turned off as the seconds whittled by. This girl was absolutely _disgusting_. "That's it, Ino. Get off." He pried her lithe fingers away from his clothes, straightened himself, and prepared to return home. Thanks to this no-good, second-rate kunoichi and her puerile desires, his whole shopping excursion was ruined.

Ino followed him in desperation, not understanding where exactly her plan had gone wrong. (Hell, did she even _have_ one?) "You can't leave me, Neji. You know you can't resist all _this_… Don't ignore your love for me!"

"Watch me."

She began to fume. That ungrateful bastard! Here she was, offering her gorgeous, appealing body to him…and he was rejecting her AGAIN?! She ignored the several other men eying her lecherously from a distance and recomposed herself. She was beginning to think that Neji had somehow been dropped on the head as an infant. Tugging demandingly on his sleeve again, Yamanaka Ino made her next comment as bitchy and haughty as she possibly could. "Stop acting like sex with me wouldn't be the best thing you've ever experienced."

"I want nothing to do with whores."

**STOP**.

"IT'S THE MOTHERFUCKING REMIX-" someone who sounded eerily like Lil' Jon yelled, but was promptly hit over the head with a hard piece of bread and rendered unconscious.

Ino stood still. Her smooth cheeks instantaneously colored as little puffs of steam blew out of her ears. That asshole had just used the wh-word with her! She wasn't just mad – hell, she was fucking _miffed_. "…You'd better watch your mouth, you prick."

There was a cruel, one-sided sneer plastered on Neji's face now. "There's no need to be ashamed of the truth, Ino. We all know."

"Shut up," she sniffed indignantly, although she knew, in the deepest part of her heart, that he was right. Yeah, she was a ho…but there was absolutely no need for anyone to tease her about it! Damn, was the world full of inconsiderate jackasses… She took a look at her watch. "I'm going home."

Neji was taken aback by the strange turn of events. He was half-expecting her to blow up at him, or at least break into an unnecessary round of tears… Truth be told, he didn't want her to leave just yet – he wasn't finished making fun of her. "What?"

"Not like you'd care, but I need to check my MySpace for new comments."

…Yes, readers. Ino was a whore (and she was well aware of it), but she was no _ordinary_ whore.

She was a **MySpace** whore!

Yep. Each and every second the kunoichi had at home was now dedicated to pimping out her MySpace page, making bulletins every half-hour, blogging, adding new friends, e-flirting with various internet buddies, applying to various trains, changing her page's music, and adding hot and slightly revealing pictures of herself to her page (one thing was for certain: Ino had never had a case of the _angles_, and she was damn proud of the fact).

Neji was left with his mouth left uncharacteristically agape as the blonde stalked home, presumably to change her relationship status back to 'Single' on her MySpace page. This day was most definitely becoming stranger by the minute…

Fate must have been thinking, _Oh, you ain't seen nothin' yet, buddy_, though, for at that moment, a certain pink-haired buddy of Ino's sped right past the Hyuuga, arms full of various witchcraft items.

Neji blinked twice, and decided that ever since his cousin had gotten married to Uchiha Sasuke, the village had literally gone to the dogs. He turned on his heel and proceeded to leave the marketplace, seemingly headed back towards the Hyuuga compound for a well-deserved nap. He needed it, after all… this, of course, was only happening because of his lack of sleep the night before…

Sadly, in his rush to escape the lunacy of the outside world, Neji forgot to do one important thing: he'd neglected to purchase his hair products.

…It was really going to bite him in the ass in the near future.

**In other news…**

Our favorite couple had since entered the hospital. Sasuke had deposited his wife in the first chair he'd found and left her to seek out the Hokage. It wasn't long before a nurse, arms full of medical forms she needed Sasuke to fill out, approached him and told him that Tsunade was currently wrapped up in another emergency. "Is it possible to wait another thirty minutes? Unless it's urgent, of course…"

"Another thirty minutes?" he repeated. Sasuke motioned towards his spouse, who was now sinking back into her chair, eyes closed and porcelain skin paling at a rapid rate. "Does this **not** look urgent to you?"

The nurse stared at Hinata's listless form fleetingly before returning back to Sasuke. A second later, her nose scrunched up in obvious recognition of the malodorous stench coming from his pajama pants. "She just looks like she didn't sleep all too well last night, and I can see why," she answered. "Now, sir, if you needed a bathroom that urgently, I'm sure you could have at _least_ spared your wife the embarrassment. Aren't there _bushes_ around your house at all?"

Sasuke took a long look at her before realizing what she was insinuating. "**_ARGH_**!"

"Well," the nurse continued, turning back to eye the pallid ex-Hyuuga, "if you really are _that_ concerned about her, I've a couple of pregnancy tests in the back-"

"Where the _hell_ are you getting all this from? She's **NOT** pregnant!"

The nurse raised a slim eyebrow. "Sir, if I remember correctly… the reason why you had her admitted was because you feared she had certain symptoms, right?" Without waiting for a response, she reached into her pocket and revealed a small item from it. She handed it to a befuddled Sasuke. "You're lucky I _always_ have one on hand. I doubt there's anything seriously wrong with her, but it can't help to check, right?" She gave him a friendly pat on the back and turned around, getting ready to return back to her regular duties. "Good luck!"

Sasuke wondered just why the woman always had a spare pregnancy test with her, but decided it was probably safer not to even ask. He headed back to where Hinata lay, kneeling beside her. "Hinata, wake up."

She slowly obliged, pale eyes fluttering open to gaze into the concerned ones of her husband. Soon they were focused on the object Sasuke was pressing into her hands. "Wh-What…?" she mumbled blearily, not quite understanding. "No… I thought I was supposed to just get a check-up…" What kind of nurse automatically assumed you were pregnant just by looking at you? And where on earth had the word 'pregnant' come from?

She activated her Byakugan and took a long look through the door that the nurse had just passed through. Her nametag read A. Aya.

Hinata struggled to remember where she had seen those initials before. Furthermore, what did the first A. stand for? Arashiro, Amuro, Aikawa…?

Her heart literally skipped a beat. Hinata shot up from her chair and sped towards the nearest restroom, leaving a very puzzled Sasuke in her wake. It didn't take long to test herself, as Konoha pregnancy tests were more advanced than they'd been in past years, and when fifteen minutes had elapsed, the former heiress made her way back to where her husband sat anxiously, very much in a dazed stupor.

Sasuke now stank of both sweat (he'd been on pins and needles since she first entered the restroom) and urine. Standing up, he stilled his restless hands and frowned at the way she refused to maintain eye contact with him. "Well?" he demanded.

Hinata took a deep, dramatic breath and spoke after a very _pregnant_ pause.

"I-I'm…"

* * *

**Author's Note:** Ugh, evil cliffie!!11! Pfft, as if we all don't know what her answer will be. But c'mon, y'all should know that I'm not to be trusted! Plot twists are fun. (continues to smile mysteriously) 

Go to Wikipedia if you have absolutely no idea who Tila Tequila is. I'm sure you'll be pretty surprised.

Another reminder for you all: this is a parody. Do you know how much I can't stand it when people call Ino a whore or a slut for no logical reason whatsoever?

...Yes, I made her a whore. But damn it, if she's going to be a whore, she's going to be _my_ kind of whore: a MySpace one. (She's also not a MySpace virgin anymore, Kiba!) I hate it when people bash her – she's my second favorite character in the series. Oh, and I also hate when people randomly Americanize their fics. Hence why there was a random cowboy police officer in this chapter. _Yeehaw_!

Also, I made Neji a jerk again. But only to Ino because she's a whore and she deserves it. (snerk)

I hope every American reader I have had a wonderful Thanksgiving! And to all the Canadians out there, I hope yours (I know yours was much earlier than ours) was great, too! I hope everyone got nice and plump for the wintertime!

…Speaking of which, I'm going to randomly select one reviewer to receive something from me for Christmas! It may be a crack ficlet or one of my 'special' drawings (really, I can't guarantee anything better than graphic stick-figure sex). So give an interesting review (say something cute or funny; suggest little twists or scenarios for the story)! You might win something from me!

**Ladii-Chocolate**


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